First appointment, tomorrow!

So I think I’m in a slightly better place than I was the other night. Tomorrow is my first appointment with the fertility clinic that we hope to use to get pregnant. It was supposed to be “our” first appointment, but my wife’s boss decided that no one was allowed to take time off until further notice (sick or otherwise) since they are short one person and have been since early December (it’s a small department), and are backed up on paperwork. This is super frustrating since she goes in early and works through lunch almost everyday, but we are so incredibly fortunate that her job has extensive benefits that will hopefully cover a majority of our fertility expenses (fingers crossed – I should know more after the appointment, tomorrow) so we are going to make the best of it and I’ll fill her in on the first appointment afterward.

All things considered: it isn’t the end of the world, it just feels shitty that we can’t be there together. We planned for this appointment to be one during which we assessed our options, determined the financial feasibility of each of those options with insurance and everything else taken into consideration, and we planned to discuss a potential timeline with the doctor. I have no idea how long any of this will take, and when they might suggest getting started if we would like to be pregnant  by a certain time We just got married two months ago, so we were planning to spend a few months relaxing and enjoying each other’s company as a married couple before taking that next step, so in an ideal world, we’ll (I’ll) actually get pregnant sometime later this year – maybe late summer/early fall. This will also give me time to navigate some big (company) changes at work and get to know my new boss and place in the company before having to think about maternity leave. That was our plan for the last few months.

Lately, though, everything has just felt so uncertain. I have acquaintances who have gone through the process of second parent adoption to solidify their rights as parents to their beautiful babies, and I am so incredibly fearful that waiting to conceive will backfire and our right to marry will be stripped away, or something else will happen to leave our growing family vulnerable to hastily constructed, discriminatory laws. Our new president seems so hell bent on dividing people: pitting us against one another, and sparing only those with bank accounts large enough to buy themselves a seat at his table.

And then I find myself thinking: what right do I have to feel unsafe? I walk around cloaked in the privilege of my fair, freckled complexion, my blue eyes, and long hair. If my wife and I want to be left alone, we simply don’t hold hands or kiss in public, and no one has any idea that we are “Mrs. and Mrs.”.So many others don’t have that privilege due to their skin color, gender expression, religious expression, or the language they speak. It’s so unfair. So cruel. And so incredibly common.

So anyway, I said that I wouldn’t get into too much politics, here. I swear that is my intention (we’ll see if it pans out). I’m just afraid, and frustrated – at a time in my life that I thought I would be the happiest.

I still haven’t heard back from that Islamic cultural center, but I did get two of my coworkers to agree to go with me to the local soup kitchen to drop off some baked goods, so I am considering making them some cake and brownies from scratch this weekend. It is so unnecessary – dessert – but I think something that is made fresh from real ingredients can really change your perspective on life – if only for a moment – so I’m going to give it a shot.

Would love good vibes for a successful first appointment, tomorrow! Fingers crossed that insurance will cover more than we think, and doctor anticipates a smooth process!

Jenn

“Today is the first blank page of a 365 day book…

…write a good one.” I think this quote was meant for New Year’s Day, but I think it is a good quote for any day, really. It helps you to recognize that every day begins a year, every day ends a year, and every day is a good day to start something new.

That being said, I did intend to start this blog on New Year’s Day as a way of documenting the year ahead, but here I am: 23 days later…just getting started.

That’s the joke of my friends and family: I’m late. I’ve always been late. I will always be late. They used to joke that I would be late to my own wedding (I wasn’t). They now joke that I’ll be late to my own funeral (I hope I am!). I guess, my purpose for sharing this is that: it is never too late to start something new. Right? Right.

Technically, blogging isn’t new for me. This is the third one I have attempted, but for the sake of posterity (or, more accurately: the future reading pleasure of my close friends and family) I am going to try to make sure that I stick with this one.

To set the stage for you, last year was a big year for me. I married an absolutely amazing woman (yes, you read right), and we rescued the cutest pup (I know that cute is subjective, but she is a 12 pound golden colored cocker spaniel mix with big doe eyes, so I feel confident that you will agree with me). Truthfully: we adopted the pup and THEN got married, but it was a big year however you spin it. The year before, we bought our first home. This year, we hope to become moms together. Next week we have the first of many (hopefully not TOO many!) appointments with a fertility clinic – each step of which I am looking forward to capturing in writing. We aren’t ready to tell our friends and family (we would like this process to be as much a surprise as possible for all of them since it really won’t be for us), but in case they ever want the details I would love for them to be here (welcome, if you are finding this later in the year!)

My wife has also been pressuring me to start writing more, as it is something that I enjoy  (and with which I like to think I possess a small amount of talent – at least when I am not always jumping in, in parentheses to narrate) but do mostly out of necessity for work.

I also plan to document this journey in case it helps a couple who comes after us, as this journey already seems as though it could be isolating at times (perhaps more so due to the political climate in the United States at the moment), so if any of my words reach and help any other couple(s) who follow in our footsteps, I will consider it a great blessing.

I suppose I’ll wrap up with another quote: “A journey of 1000 miles, begins with a single step.” If I have learned anything about parenthood throughout the course of the last year (oh yes, we became aunts x2 this year when my sister and brother-in-law and my wife’s brother and sister-in-law brought our first two nieces into the world – more on that, later) I know that this journey of conceiving them, carrying them, giving birth to them, keeping them alive at first (and thriving later): is long, it is terrifying, and it is amazing at the same time. I am thrilled and scared shitless, and cannot wait to get started.

Until next time..