“I’m just beginning: the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned.”

This weekend was the first one in a few months during which I experienced a feeling of immeasurable joy – a feeling that I didn’t expect to experience for a while.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve gained about 10 pounds – I do think that a small part of it was due to all of the fertility meds I’ve been taking, but a bigger part of it was my eating habits. I just haven’t been eating healthy.

So last week, my wife and I elected to dust off our “My Fitness Pal” aps, start walking more, and investing some time in some healthy food prep. I baked two loaves of bread last weekend (I know – bread is typically the opposite of healthy eating, but it was a whole wheat blend, and it gets consumed in moderation and tracked..), we made soups, overnight oats, mapped out some crockpot meals, and bought lots of fruit and veggies.

I’m not down anything, yet, but I feel better as I don’t go to bed every night feeling guilty about what I ate, and I know I’m taking steps that will get me back to where I want to be. In the meantime, I have felt horrible in almost every article of clothing that I own, and I don’t believe in buying new – larger – clothes to accommodate weight gain, but at the same time: I needed to feel better when I stepped out of the house (and I am prepping for another business trip next week – the first in a few months) so my wife and I went shopping and I got a new pair of jeans (which I needed anyway as I hate jeans shopping and my last pair was starting to look ragged), a really cute dress, a few tops, and a black jumpsuit (which my wife thinks looks like a costume of some kind, but I assured her was fashion-forward, and it made me feel really amazing).

This may sound weird, but the new clothes and the healthy eating just made me feel like a real person again. I finally started to feel hope and possibility, and it made me so incredibly happy.

On Saturday night, we got to spend some time with my aunt who I haven’t been in close contact with for over 10 years. Her son – my cousin – passed away two weeks ago (right after I had the miscarriage) and – although sad and horrible – his death seemed to be the spark needed to rekindle the relationship between her and my mom, and my mom invited all of us over for dinner and a bonfire. It was so wonderful exchanging stories from my childhood with her, and catching up on the years we missed.

The Friday prior was my best friend’s wedding (isn’t that a movie?) and although it was beautiful and magical, I still struggled to shake my sadness that day (but managed to dance and have an amazing time in spite of it). And…bonus: since I wasn’t pregnant, I got to have a few drinks, after which I fell asleep at the hotel fully dressed in my bridesmaid gown and false lashes (the exhaustion you experience as a result of this entire process and all of the meds is REAL!)

Right now, my wife and I are casually glancing at houses (the one I posted about a while back ended up selling – it was a bit of a heartbreaker as we LOVED that house, but are hopeful that something better is on the horizon), and we are in the process of planning a mini end-of-year vacation as we didn’t really get to do anything big over the summer. We are eyeing up a few big cities (New Orleans and Orlando – we’re looking at you!) but are still undecided. Planning this trip has also helped me to keep my eyes up and forward, and has filled me with some kind of a purpose.

It’s strange: for the last few months, we had almost always had regular doctor’s visits, and dates to look forward to. Now we are at a stand-still, and I think that has fed into my sadness a bit. Keeping busy and trying to find meaningful things to do (like plan this trip) has helped a TON.

This trip will also be a first anniversary gift from each of us to the other. We are quickly approaching one year of marriage (and five years of dating!) so we are really looking forward to celebrating. And on that note…I know I don’t post many (any?) photos, but here is a shot that I love from our wedding last year. It was taken during our candle-lighting ceremony (a really amazing ceremony that I think I discussed a while back in this blog that my mother-in-law wrote, after which we lit the candles of our bridal party and they – in turn – lit all of our guests’ candles and the dimly lit room was filled with the warm glow of family and friends).


Speaking of our wedding, I don’t think I ever told you all about our honeymoon-that-almost-didn’t-happen. Four days after our wedding, we were planning to hit a Sandals resort in the Caribbean, and the night before we were supposed to leave, I went online to check into our flight (as I always do when I travel) only to find that the tracking info didn’t work. Two hours on the phone with a Sandals representative later, I found out that our flight had been cancelled by the airline SIX MONTHS PRIOR and we were without a way to get to our destination. Sandals offered to “generously” pay for another flight for us out of an airport that was an hour further away than the airport we were ALREADY driving an hour to (and likely another $100+ in tolls/parking which they refused to compensate for us) so we ended up cancelling the trip and booking a last minute getaway to Mexico for a few days. We can laugh about it now, but we were really upset when it all happened.

We have a similar chaotic story of when we purchased our first home, and a friend recently reminded me of both when we were talking about the miscarriage. She said,  “this is no different than all of your other life events, but just remember: they all seem to work out on the 2nd try.”

That really made me smile, and I’m going to try EXTRA hard to stay really positive in the coming weeks.

Hope everyone is getting lots of good news out there. We love hearing it and are rooting for you all. ❤

3 thoughts on ““I’m just beginning: the pen’s in my hand, ending unplanned.”

  1. Having been through the standstill phase (for different reasons– polyp, donor’s schedule *multiple times*), it really is the hardest part. There is not much to focus on or work towards it’s just waiting and it’s so difficult to be patient in those times. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope you and your wife find your upcoming trip a wonderful reprieve. ❤


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