So I think I’m in a slightly better place than I was the other night. Tomorrow is my first appointment with the fertility clinic that we hope to use to get pregnant. It was supposed to be “our” first appointment, but my wife’s boss decided that no one was allowed to take time off until further notice (sick or otherwise) since they are short one person and have been since early December (it’s a small department), and are backed up on paperwork. This is super frustrating since she goes in early and works through lunch almost everyday, but we are so incredibly fortunate that her job has extensive benefits that will hopefully cover a majority of our fertility expenses (fingers crossed – I should know more after the appointment, tomorrow) so we are going to make the best of it and I’ll fill her in on the first appointment afterward.
All things considered: it isn’t the end of the world, it just feels shitty that we can’t be there together. We planned for this appointment to be one during which we assessed our options, determined the financial feasibility of each of those options with insurance and everything else taken into consideration, and we planned to discuss a potential timeline with the doctor. I have no idea how long any of this will take, and when they might suggest getting started if we would like to be pregnant by a certain time We just got married two months ago, so we were planning to spend a few months relaxing and enjoying each other’s company as a married couple before taking that next step, so in an ideal world, we’ll (I’ll) actually get pregnant sometime later this year – maybe late summer/early fall. This will also give me time to navigate some big (company) changes at work and get to know my new boss and place in the company before having to think about maternity leave. That was our plan for the last few months.
Lately, though, everything has just felt so uncertain. I have acquaintances who have gone through the process of second parent adoption to solidify their rights as parents to their beautiful babies, and I am so incredibly fearful that waiting to conceive will backfire and our right to marry will be stripped away, or something else will happen to leave our growing family vulnerable to hastily constructed, discriminatory laws. Our new president seems so hell bent on dividing people: pitting us against one another, and sparing only those with bank accounts large enough to buy themselves a seat at his table.
And then I find myself thinking: what right do I have to feel unsafe? I walk around cloaked in the privilege of my fair, freckled complexion, my blue eyes, and long hair. If my wife and I want to be left alone, we simply don’t hold hands or kiss in public, and no one has any idea that we are “Mrs. and Mrs.”.So many others don’t have that privilege due to their skin color, gender expression, religious expression, or the language they speak. It’s so unfair. So cruel. And so incredibly common.
So anyway, I said that I wouldn’t get into too much politics, here. I swear that is my intention (we’ll see if it pans out). I’m just afraid, and frustrated – at a time in my life that I thought I would be the happiest.
I still haven’t heard back from that Islamic cultural center, but I did get two of my coworkers to agree to go with me to the local soup kitchen to drop off some baked goods, so I am considering making them some cake and brownies from scratch this weekend. It is so unnecessary – dessert – but I think something that is made fresh from real ingredients can really change your perspective on life – if only for a moment – so I’m going to give it a shot.
Would love good vibes for a successful first appointment, tomorrow! Fingers crossed that insurance will cover more than we think, and doctor anticipates a smooth process!